Rendezvous Revelation!

An optomistic look at dating for 20-somethings in the LDS community. You're not a lost cause! ...You know, yet.


Ask Questions- Other people are Interesting too (Trust me)

Alright a change of pace, before I conclude my first date story I want to talk about a technique for ensuring a steady steam of conversation- this is for boys and girls.

Ask questions. Even if they don’t have a direct answer, it’s always something to go on. Asking questions presents an opportunity for you to show the things you’re interested and invite your partner to join you in them. It also shows your inquisitiveness and interest in being where you are. Talking too much about outside people and experiences may show you are not thinking about where you are at the moment. Asking questions is the basis for holding a dialogue- basically: I address you, you address me. And we build a nice house.

And we have to remember the point of why you’re talking to this person to beginning with- getting to know the person you’re out with. You haven’t forgotten already have you? Great. Well, the second great rule to Question Asking is to ask questions- ABOUT the person you’re with!!! You want to more about them, right? We are assuming you do. Think about the person your with. What do you know about them? What interests them? Why? How? Does this relate to you? How long have they felt this way? Is that so? (I love that inquiry because it sounds more like a prompt than a question. Their brain is still running on the subject you just posed, give them a little time to answer you and open their brain a little further. You’ll be surprised. A little patience after asking a question does wonders for a healthy conversation. Ask any reporter who does sit-down interviews. Wait for a full answer after you ask.)

As a warning, try not to ask too many questions that may be too private too soon. I admit, when I’m interested in someone I probe at special spots to test their comfortably with me. But the moment I sense the ‘line’ is approaching, I pull back the reins. It’s not worth it to know more if they will never confide in you again. And forcing someone to do it will inevitably drive someone away from you faster than if you had let it happen naturally.

There is also something to be said for comfortable silences- but that’s for another time.

Remember- nothing comes without practice. It’s nice to have this concept in your head, but it takes an expert to come up with enough material to save a really shy date. A good conversationalist is always thinking about the other person, not just about their own needs and interests.

When two people talk- it’s TWO people talking. So engage them with questions. ;) If you know what I mean.

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DS #1: Pretending part2

Alright, so if you haven’t gathered the tone of this date yet, he did not act excited to be doing this... at all. Not even politely doing me a favor. Please remember this as it will be important to the end of this story.

But having some slight experience with men who have not dated a ton before (either because they are shy, a geek, or just homebodies [my brothers can be all of the above]), they have many motives for seeming rude. And hey, I like to think the best of people. So my instinct was to assume he was just nervous and was making up for it by pretending to be non-shalont. You see where this forgiveness thing comes in?

I decided to push through rather than hanging up. I offered we see Iron Man 2 since I had not yet. But I never saw the first one- if that’s Ok you help me along?

He groaned. “I don’t want to have to explain everything to you.” This was just getting better and better. Clearly this guy needed a gentle little shove out of the nest by giving him opportunity and comfort about the kind of person I am.

“I don’t mind. Look, how about this plan- You can go ahead and pick what ever you’d like to do and I promise to enjoy myself. No matter what. Ok? I get home around 6 tomorrow so give me a call then and let me know!”

Still a little upset, he agreed.

OK. It’s Friday. It’s also 7:30. I am sitting on my couch with the roommate watching “To Catch a Predator” fresh from a shower all prettied up with curled hair and a little flashier than normal makeup applied. After an hour and half late I ask my roommate if it’s OK to give up on him. She agrees. Then my phone rings. Of course.

Also of course- he has no plan in place. He knows this noodle place he wants to try and he thinks there is a theater near there. He doesn’t know the name of the place or where it is. And he doesn’t want to pick me up. After I do some (very clever, I might boast) research on what the HELL he’s talking about I find it. But it’s too late. He’s too bored already. And he doesn’t want to pick me up because I’m in the wrong direction. So I agree to go to his house where we will carpool from there to whatever place he has in mind.

I look at my roommate as I hang up. She’s looking at me with a critical look on her face. (She must have heard the part where I offered to drive the whole way since I had my GPS.)

“You’re not really going still are you?”

I was. But why, I can’t quite remember.
To be Continued....

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DS #1: Pretending part1

OK, since I failed the blog contest, I’m free to post here as I like I suppose.

I an be bitter again, and not have to worry about being super positive and keep on the safe side of LDS opinion of cleanliness. Because, let’s face it if the blog was for an LDS website for YSAs (young single adults), then it’s probably being read by easily offended Utans with no sense of humor or reality.

On that note- I WENT ON A DATE FRIDAY. And it’s a great example of what we’ve been talking about- determining the difference between a goomba and someone who needs a little forgiveness.

Ok this whole thing started off pretty bad. I got a random FB chat from a friend (with a girlfriend) asking me if I’d be willing to go out with his cousin/roommate of whom I had met 2 weeks prior. He wasn’t LDS (a topic I’ll discuss later) and he wanted to know if it would be alright if he asked me. Assumedly, this friend hadn’t talked to his cousin about this beforehand.

I’m still debating weither this is true. This friend told me over and over, ‘he’s a really great guy- he just needs to feel comfortable.’ ‘He doesn’t get out much.’ ‘I really hope you guys get along’. If that isn’t a sign that this whole thing needed to start with forgiveness, I don’t know what is. But in the end, I agreed. What if my suspicions are true and he’s really just too shy to ask me himself? Again, I’m still debating weither this is true… You'll see why.

I agreed but only under the stipulation that he call me himself. I also gave him the little speech about how a man should be a man and the woman should be a woman. My friend concurred.

The next night (Thursday) I get a call while I’m out to dinner with friends.
This is where the trouble really began. [names have been covered for their own protection]
Casey: “Hold on, I’m in a restaurant…Hello? Oh hi G****! My friend said you’d be calling me.”

Date: “(BIG SIGH) Yeah Hi Casey. So I GUESS we’re being set up…So what do yah wanna do?”

...I pause. This is a bad start.
If you know anything about me this is my biggest pet peeve.
Never. Ask Casey. What she wants to do. On. Your. Date. Mental and physical facepalm. And he's making it overtly clear that he is not happy about this. But I stay calm.

Casey: “Oh I don’t really mind. I like lots of things. But listen, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

Date: “(ANOTHER BIG SIGH) Oh I guess since we’re already here we might as well…”


To be Continued….

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